Behold Cringe Thanksgiving Tweets From Our National Security State

The low-res, cornball images are a reminder they aren’t as competent as they're made out

A classic of the genre

Each holiday, many of our best funded national security agencies tweet out some of the most hilariously two-bit graphics I’ve seen since playing Oregon Trail on a floppy disk in elementary school.

Here’s a classic of the genre, from America’s premier law enforcement agency, the FBI (budget: $10 billion). If the goal was to make it look like something a child lacking object permanence would cut from construction paper, well, mission accomplished.

This Thanksgiving, the national security state’s Twitter game did not disappoint. Here are some of my favorites.

CYBERCOM Doesn’t Know Photoshop

Cyber attacks alone can be considered an act of war, according to the Pentagon. This graphic from U.S. Cyber Command, the Pentagon’s combatant command for cyberspace operations, declared war on my eyeballs.

Why Do These Turkeys Have Parachutes?

Turkeys have wings, couldn’t those break their fall? Giving them parachutes is like giving a fish a wetsuit.

“Be All You Can Be, Eat All You Can Eat”

“Eat All You Can Eat” is an interesting choice for a military whose own research shows that over 70% of U.S. troops are overweight. (I am too, so I’m not hating!)

Why Is This Graphic Undulating??

In one small step for the national security community, it appears the Office of Director of National Intelligence has discovered GIFs. The leaves in the GIF pictured above undulate for an unsettling 12 seconds.

Why??

Turkey With a Side of Reaper Drones

The U.S. Army Special Operations Command’s post is a little more sophisticated, with the faint image of a peaceful Thanksgiving dinner in the background. But the bevy of attack helicopters and combat drones kind of ruin the vibe.

Why Does This Turkey Have a Fork?

Why does the poor Turkey have a fork? Look at how enthusiastic it looks. Has nobody explained to it what happens?