Me, thankful?

Why I bought my first real Christmas tree

The tree

Until recently, Thanksgiving was to me a cynical joke. Mandated gratitude felt like a tall order in a world where so few have everything; not only money but even just the ability to have their voices heard.

That’s the greatest indignity of all: that most people have no voice while a select few boom so loud they penetrate our consciousness like a sound cannon. Buy this. Read that. Watch this. Think that. Be afraid of this person, this group, or idea. Oh, but assume a childlike adoration for the sanctioned savior.

For years I tried to figure out how to hijack the major media sound cannon. Not to bark my own orders — to voice a perspective that I knew countless other people shared but were permitted by media to express. At first I went through the front door, applying for jobs at conventional news outlets. I never heard back from a single one. Not even a “no thanks.” Just silence.

Then I tried the back door. I took to social media to post documents I’d unearthed through FOIA and other techniques. Finally the media took notice. Some even hired me. This was gratifying at first (your in-laws finally believing you have a job is nice, lol). But what I thought would finally give me a voice turned out to be some else’s voice. The existing media ecosystem was mostly only interested in stories I found that could be used as fodder for whatever Washington battle was playing out that week and the bigwig officials involved. Even in their most trenchant reporting on such officials, the unspoken assumption is that they really are the authors of reality.

I came to realize that institutions, not individuals, are what shapes people’s lives. Under the tutelage of my now-editor Bill Arkin, it became painfully clear to me how far my own journalism fell short of not just mapping out what these institutions are doing, but also what normal people actually cared about.

So I made the decision to resign from my staff reporting job and go fully independent. It was a leap of faith, and you caught me. Thousands of you became paid subscribers, exactly the kind of regular people I always wanted to write for and give voice to.

Over one year in, I can say that for the first time in my entire life I feel like my voice is wholly, authentically me, that it’s actually being heard and, most importantly, that it’s arming people with information that other media can’t or won’t publish. (This is evident in the comments section of virtually every post, which I monitor closely and is available to all paid subscribers.)

Each Christmas, I’ve always insisted on plastic trees, thinking the holiday was sentimental nonsense anyway — why go through the trouble? But this weekend, for the first time ever, I bought a real tree. There will be gifts under it before long, but my most treasured one I already have, thanks to all of you who subscribed: my voice. For that I am not just thankful, but…happy? It feels weird to write that! I’ve been a pretty indignant person since as long as I could remember.

It’s Giving Tuesday today and if you’re not a paid subscriber, I hope you’ll become one because my work here isn’t done. I may feel happy for the first time in my life and I may have my voice but many still do not. Having a voice changed my life and I hope to pay that forward. Unfortunately, I have more leaked documents and stories than I have time to write up; without more subscribers I just do not have the bandwidth to get them published. Please help me expand this operation.

Depending on the response to this appeal, I may have an exciting update shortly. If you can, please consider becoming a paid subscriber (or if you prefer a one-off contribution, using our GoFundMe link).

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a Christmas tree to decorate.

— Edited by William M. Arkin